Searching For Answers, Searching For You

by Judith Macquinn (OdoGoddess@aol.com)
(c) March 1999

** Please do not archive, redistribute, or re-mail.
   Thank you. **

Author's Note:  Thanks to GreenWoman for advice and beta-reading, to TPTB 
for gracing us with this beautiful episode, and to Rene and Nana for 
tour-de-force performances as our beloved couple.

Story Note:  I had a great deal of trouble figuring out the timeline in 
"Chimera", so I took a few liberties with the distance to the system Kira 
told Laas about.  I figured she wouldn't send him on a very lengthy jaunt 
if she intended Odo to follow and catch up quickly.


This one is for Angie.

	(-|-) * * * (-|-) * * * (-|-)

DISCLAIMER:  This non-profit material was produced out of love for Star 
Trek: Deep Space Nine and is not intended to infringe upon the Star Trek 
copyrights of Viacom, Paramount Pictures Corporation, nor those of any 
other legal holders of Star Trek copyrights, in this or any other 
universe...

	(-|-) * * * (-|-) * * * (-|-)

CONTENT WARNING:  There is no bad language, violence or sex in this 
section.

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     I'm still recalling things you said 
     to make me feel all right
     I carried them with me today
     now as I lay me down to sleep, 
     this I pray:  that you will hold me, dear

      - Sophie B. Hawkins "As I Lay Me Down"



// Good luck.  I hope you find what you're looking for. //


Of all the words she had imagined, had, in fact, *agonized* over, in the 
end these were the ones that slipped through her lips.  Her parting words 
to her love.

She had wanted their parting to be positive.  She had promised herself no 
tears.  She had done more than enough crying the night before, after their 
discussion -- after she had realized that her love was not, could not, be 
enough for him.

Nerys had never experienced anything like this in all her life.  She had 
been lucky enough to discover love, or at least comfort and compatibility, 
more than once in her life.

Finding Odo had blessed her beyond measure, or so she had thought.  In him 
she had found love, comfort, compatibility; she had found a soulmate.

She had discovered in her soulmate a tender sweetness that Nerys could 
scarcely credit with the stern, laconic officer of the law she had known 
for so long.  In private, he had bestowed on her a greater gift than any 
she had imagined, a guileless and tenderly devoted affection kept hidden 
from all but her.  It made her feel thrice blessed.

His shapeshifting nature had hardly seemed to matter...

... until now.

Now that Laas had come to the station and reminded Odo of his neglected 
heritage, reminded Kira of exactly how alien her lover truly was, suddenly 
Odo's capabilities seemed to matter more than anything.

Now his abilities were tearing them apart.

It was at her behest that he left.  She only wanted the best for him.  She 
only wanted him to be happy.  She only wanted him to find a place he could 
call home, even if it meant ripping out her very pagh.  Even if it meant 
leaving her bereft, empty without him, without the other half of her.

Grief rode now on the peace Kira sought, rode alongside the absolute 
conviction that what she had done was necessary... more, it was *just*.  
Odo deserved to be with his people, to find his own way.  That it shattered 
her, left her empty, was of no matter, Kira instructed herself sternly.  It 
had been the right thing to do.

She told herself this over and over as she'd returned to Ops and cleared 
Odo's runabout for departure.  She held onto the silent mantra as her 
fingers gently stroked the console blip that indicated his tiny ship was 
leaving the system.  It was done.

Grief returned, but she fiercely squeezed it back. 

_I did the right thing._

"Excuse me, Colonel?"

She looked up and into the warm hazel eyes of Miles O'Brien, who was still 
poring over station schematics and trying to determine a way to 
'changeling-proof' a security holding cell.

"Nothing, Chief."

"Oh."  He turned back to his work, not entirely convinced, but unwilling to 
broach the subject any further.

Kira took his example to heart and returned to work, as well.  She directed 
her attention to the docking ring monitor which showed a Bolian transport 
required assistance...


                    (-|-)


All the other words had been said.  There was nothing more to it but this:

"Good luck." 

Odo lifted his hand to Laas, offering him another taste of the Link their 
unique species could share.

Laas did not extend his own hand, merely ignoring the gesture.  His 
modulated tones were quiet in the mining cavern.  "And to you, Odo.  You'll 
need it more than I." 

In the echo of his words, Odo was revisited with memories of the female 
changeling.  There was no arrogance in Laas' tone, though, only an 
emptiness, a sadness.  Then his brother turned his back and left him 
standing there.

_But not alone, for all that they cannot understand, I am *not* alone.  Not 
anymore._ 

Odo knew he'd made the right choice.  He dropped his hand, watched Laas 
disappear.

After a moment, he turned and began to make his way out of the mine.  It 
was a labyrinthine structure hollowed out of rock and dust.  There was 
little about it to make it stand out.

He had worked in the mines on Bajor, had been in abandoned, empty places 
like this before.  In fact, it had been in a place very much like this one 
where he had first told Nerys he loved her.

Of course, it was *not* Nerys, as it turned out, who he had said those 
fateful words to.  It had been a changeling, the female harbinger of the 
worst internal crisis of Odo's life.  He had told her many things he 
regretted in retrospect, bits of himself he had only intended to tell 
someone he cared for... and who cared for him.

In telling her, he had inadvertently given the changelings fuel for their 
already implacable attitude, their hatred, of solids.  He had, in effect, 
sealed the Alpha Quadrant's doom.  He had soon come to realize that because 
of his love for Kira, his devotion to the humanoids he called 'friends', 
his people had begun a war against the Alpha Quadrant.

Odo had felt torn, hating himself for wanting to be with his people, hating 
his people for what they were doing.  He had never known it was possible to 
be so torn inside.  His 'ally', the same changeling that had lied and 
manipulated him, offered him surcease.  If it wasn't for how wretched he'd 
felt, if it wasn't in his nature to be just and assume that because she had 
lied and manipulated him in the past did not mean she would do so again, 
Odo might have withstood her blandishments... but he did not.

He had not believed Kira would forgive this, to him, unforgivable lapse.  
That she could forgive him his disgrace at having temporarily chosen the 
link over everything seemed impossible.  She had, though.  He never thought 
he could ever feel more blessed.  Having her back as a friend was all he 
had hoped for, all he had imagined would be possible... but he was wrong.

A few months later he'd been blessed with more than he'd ever dared to 
dream; Kira had finally chosen to return his love.  In the heady nights 
that followed, Odo did not believe he would, he *could*, ever feel more 
tender love for her than he did... but he was wrong.

Oh, he was wrong.

Odo glanced up now at the gargantuan roots of the orbital tether as he 
exited the mine.  He eyed the majestic and yet somehow pathetic appearance 
of this imposing structure, now rusty with misuse, yet still reaching 
upward for something it would never find.  *This* he would remember, he 
decided.  For some reason it reminded him anew of Laas, and of his people.  
His hand clenched into a fist and he sighed.

Then he felt anew a warmth in his hands, the warmth Kira had bestowed 
during her farewell.  A frisson of joy, of hope, of *desire*, filled him 
then.

_*Nerys*._

He hurried to the runabout, not looking back at the dusty mine entrance, 
that chapter now closed.


	(-|-) * * * (-|-) * * * (-|-)

CONTENT WARNING: This section of the story contains mild or
non-graphic sexual content.

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Kira ignored her lunch break and continued to work. There were a great deal 
of tedious, detail-specific tasks to attend.  They helped keep her mind 
focused.

Until, that is, Sisko's calm tenor inquired as to Odo; had he called in 
with a report?

Kira looked up at her Captain and shook her head, shaken to her boots by a 
feeling of fear and love and need in equal measures.  Sisko did not notice, 
merely nodded and instructed, "Let me know if he or any of the other 
security teams call in anything."

She nodded again and he returned to his office, leaving her shaken.  
Corallis was normally a day and a half away at warp speed, using the 
traditional space route, but mere hours if one went through the hazardous 
Denorios Belt.  Odo would have, she knew.  Sisko apparently had thought of 
this, too.  He knew where his security teams were searching.  She and Odo 
were both among a mere handful of officers aboard DS9 who knew how to 'ride 
the belt'.  And Odo had linked with Laas, which meant...

_He's already with him, with Laas... together... starting a new life._  
Kira looked up at the viewscreen, at the reflection of the stars before 
returning to her work.  But not before closing her eyes tightly.

_Prophets, bless and keep him safe._


                                (-|-)


Riding back to the station in the runabout seemed to take forever.  

One memory kept him company on the seemingly endless ride back home.  One 
thing Laas had unwittingly spoken which was incontrovertible.

"She let you go so that you could find out where you belong."

As the human phrase went - 'truer words were never spoken'.

Kira had let him go and Odo had discovered precisely where he belonged... 
by her side, sharing their lives together.

He intended on making her see that, too.


                                (-|-)


Her efforts at concentration were no good.  Kira felt as frustrated as when 
she had attempted to follow her d'jarra and tried sculpting.  The effort 
was simply useless.

_Prophets._

"Excuse me, Colonel?"

Kira focused on the broad, pleasant-features of O'Brien yet again and shook 
her head.  She cleared her console and logged out of it, backing away.  It 
was almost time for the end of her long duty shift anyway.

"Tell the Captain I stepped away, Chief."

"Aye, sir."  The curly haired head bowed over its work again and Kira 
stifled a fond smile; Miles was like family to her.  A lot of the senior 
staff were like family.

Grief suddenly seemed to pierce her deeply, threatening her control, and 
she grimly bit down on it, swallowed it, and hurried her way to the 
turbolift.

O'Brien briefly wondered where she had hurried off to, but ignored it.  It 
was none of his business.  

He did look up as the turbolift suddenly returned, though, a little 
surprised, half-expecting to see Kira again, but it was Odo instead.  Miles 
lifted a brow.  _The man looks... exalted._

He recalled that Odo had gone to find Laas.  He watched as the constable 
stepped to Sisko's office and wondered if he was happy because he 
had been successful... or because he hadn't been.


                                (-|-)


Odo was *not* dead, Kira sternly remonstrated herself as the lift moved 
through the station toward the Habitat Ring.  _He's begun a new life... 
with his true family.  I should be *happy* for him._

Kira closed her eyes tightly, feeling the tears burn and dampen her lashes.  
"No."  She shook her head and centered herself again. 

Calmer now, she moved off the lift toward her quarters.  She needed to 
pray.

She had made the right decision, in her eyes, and in the eyes of the 
Prophets.  It had been the only decision to make, just and unselfish. Much 
as Odo had been all these years she'd known him...

Nerys swallowed down more tears, feeling them rim her eyes briefly, before 
blinking them away, and opening the door to her room.


                                (-|-)


His 'briefing' was just that - extremely brief.  No sign of Laas had been 
found.  In this, he had been scrupulously factual; no sign of Laas *had* 
been found.  His brother had not even stirred any dust in the abandoned 
mine on Corallis III.  He'd left nothing of himself on the station or 
anywhere.  Not a single reminder of his presence, save the memories which 
Odo held of Laas, remained.

The captain had been taciturn, thanking him and dismissing him with a 
single nod of the head, for which Odo was grateful.

He had hoped to see Nerys in Ops.  Odo was hungry for the sight of her, 
itching to feel her in his arms.  He was also fearful - what would she say 
to him?

He hurried purposefully to the turbolift from Sisko's office, disappearing 
down the turboshaft and into the depths of the station.  The sound of his 
rapid tread causing O'Brien to look up again and then shake his head as he 
bent back over his console.

_There's always too many damn things going on on this station._


                                (-|-)


The sight of her prayer mandala filled Kira with relief.  It was a 
comforting sign of constancy in her life.  The Prophets had been there 
before Odo. They would remain with her all her life.

She approached the mandala and carefully lit the candles.  Of their own 
accord her arms stretched out.

// Let the words just come naturally. //

Her throat tightened as the voice of Vedek Fala sifted through her mind.  
For this she could thank him - for helping her achieve deeper levels of 
spiritual fulfillment, despite pain and distraction.  He had taught her to 
focus past the pain, past the tears, on what mattered.  In this case -- her 
beloved was embarking on a new life.  What had eventually happened to Fala 
did not matter.  The lessons he had taught her were what mattered.  Just as 
what Odo truly was did not matter.  The fact that he had loved her did.

She swallowed and closed her eyes, then began her prayer.

"Watch over him.  Help him find his way."

Her door chime jolted her from prayer, from her thoughts of Odo.  She 
swallowed down irritation, forced her voice to brisk efficiency.

"Yes?"

The door began to slide open on her annoyed thoughts.  _Just get rid of 
*whoever* it is, no matter if it's Kai Wi--_

He stood there.

Kira just stared as her lover carefully stepped into her room, back into 
her life.  She managed to find words.

"I didn't think I'd see you again." She felt unsteady, uncertain.  Was this 
a trick?  Did he come back to tell her something, tell her where he would 
be, give her an itinerary of his upcoming travels with Laas?

Her lover shook his head.  "I couldn't go."

She felt her feet moving of their own accord, moving closer to him, even as 
she noted he moved closer to her.  Kira waited, wanting an explanation, 
wanting to say so many things herself.  

_Odo, I don't care what you look like!  I just want us to be together!_  
But this seemed harshly stated.  _Just be straightforward, Nerys._

"If I ever made you feel you couldn't be yourself with me, I'm sorry." Her 
throat tightened on the words as she looked up into his earnest gaze, and 
she had to whisper to finish, "I want to know you, the way you really are."

Kira nodded, assuring him of her sincerity.  She was lost in his eyes now, 
seeing herself reflected there and feeling wonderment at the fact that he 
was really there, that he'd returned... for her.

_That's the second time._ her mind whispered, but as he lifted his hands to 
her, thoughts fled.  She fit her hands to his, waiting, looking only into 
his eyes.

Before her, Odo grew molten, became liquid, golden, amber and sinuous, an 
elemental being.  Before she could assess his form, the shift continued and 
she saw light now reflecting, *glowing* from him, between their entwined 
fingers.  She held hands with a celestial event, but it was in her room and 
it was not frightening.

Pleasingly gentle tingles ran along her palms and fingers as Odo grew, 
dwarfed her, lifting her hands higher in his and then twirling her about 
the center of the room.

_We're *dancing*,_ was the delighted reflection Kira managed, before 
extraneous thought was extinguished in the joyous realization that she 
could *feel* him, truly feel him against her entire body surface.  It was a 
coruscating ripple of tingling, sparkling sensation and it neglected none 
of her; her hair, cheeks, neck, breasts, back, legs, groin, even her toes.  
Was she being lifted?  She didn't care.

Wonder gave way to ecstacy... to fulfillment, as her lover continued to 
gently swirl and sparkle around her... sharing all he was and could be... 
joining them as one.


                                (-|-)


"He seemed... sad." 

Odo's whisper was intimate in the dark, his lips moving against Kira's 
neck.

The lovers lay entwined... fulfilled... *complete*.

"Of course he was," Kira whispered against his temple, kissing it tenderly. 
"He's part of your family, Odo.  What you *could* have."

A silence fell.  It was not heavy or expectant. Kira felt his hands moving 
beneath her shoulders, holding her closer, comfortingly.  She moved into 
his warm, snuggling embrace, holding him closer, as well.

"But it's not what I *need*, Nerys." Odo whispered gently.

Then a hushed, sibilant sound accompanied the shifting of his hands to 
warm, liquid silk.

Kira smiled as she felt her stroking fingers on his soft, soft hair melt 
into him, merge within him, sinking deeper and deeper as the rest of her 
did, too, until, once again... they were both one.


                         ~ finis ~



     Though I'm far away 
     I'll whisper your name into the sky
     And I will wake up happy
     I wonder why I feel so high 
     though I am not above the sorrow, 
     heavy hearted, till you call my name...
     ...and it sounds like church bells
     Or the whistle of a train on a summer evening
     I'll run to meet you, barefoot... barely breathing
	- Sophie B. Hawkins "As I Lay Me Down"


----------------------------------------------------------------------
March 1999.   Not meant to infringe on copyrights held by Viacom Paramount 
or any other legal copyright holders of Star Trek. Please do not reproduce 
for anything other than personal reading use (including fanzines) without 
written consent of the author. Comments, questions, cyber-chocolates or 
polite coughs of distaste may be sent to:  
OdoGoddess@aol.com