Behind the Barriers

by Judith Macquinn

Date: 98-12-05

DS9, Behind the Barriers [PG] O/K
by Judith Macquinn
(OdoGoddess@aol.com)

SPOILERS: Treachery, Faith & the Great River

Thanks to Dianne for beta-reading. This one's for Fliss.

Archiving on Dakhur Central & Tales By the OdoGoddess sites only

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DISCLAIMER: This non-profit material was produced out of love for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and it's characters, and is not intended to infringe upon the Star Trek copyrights of Viacom, Paramount Pictures Corporation, nor those of any other legal holders of Star Trek copyrights.

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"I have changed... and the Odo you know will change, too -- if you're patient with him." Future Odo to Kira, Children of Time



I'd waited. I didn't practice the backhand in my springball game like I'd suggested. I'd just waited.

Oh, I reported for work as scheduled. I helped the captain sort out a docking fiasco between some Bolians and a group of trading Rigellians. I ate breakfast with Da-- with *Ezri*. I ate lunch with Julian and even visited Garak's shop. I drank at Quark's. I almost did that alone, except Jake joined me one night and his father the next.

Little Jake... I still find it hard to see him as a man, able to drink and eyeing the dabo girls, but he does. He was pleasant enough company. He didn't ask me any questions and I didn't feel like I *had* to talk to him. There's a peacefulness in that.

We hadn't really talked, actually, since that incident with the pagh wraith... with the Prophet. There didn't seem to be any need to discuss it. We both had been chosen and we both knew which way it had to go.

Anyway, Jake helped me wait the second night and the Captain kept me busy the next one.

He was with Kasidy, but he kept talking to me about the implementation of some new docking regulations that were troubling him. He didn't want to lose one section of the docking bay to make room for more cargo. Soon Kasidy and I were both caught up in solutions. Four hours later I headed off to sleep. I knew Odo would be coming the next day.

He didn't come, though. Explanations didn't come either. Just a silence that made my jaw ache as I stood in Ops and silently damned the innocent sensors, demanding they reveal a Federation signature, demanding that they show Odo coming back to me. Communications weren't any better. There was plenty of chatter, just none I wanted to hear.

Instead of lunch, I prayed. Straight off the turbolift and right to the temple. I stood where Julian says Odo found Jadzia and I prayed. It helps. Sometimes it helps. If nothing else it kept my mind from circling. It kept me from fisting my hands over and over until my forearms ached. It kept me from asking myself what would happen if he didn't come back...

Work was very busy the rest of that afternoon, because a delegation was coming and I worked until I couldn't focus anymore. I didn't eat dinner. I just slept.

Even that reminded me of him. I woke up in a tiny ball, expecting to feel myself cocooned by his warmth, nose filled with the smell of him. He smells so much like the ground after a good hard rain. A warm, rich scent, almost heady ... in the places he didn't smell like me.

Instead I smelled cool sheets, recycled air and stale Nerys.

I got up and before I could shower, I had a message from Sisko: Odo had sent a message; he was due back to the station by 1400.

I can't remember the last time I felt so much... relief. I didn't use the sonics -- I needed *water*. I felt almost reborn. I thanked the Prophets as I showered. I forgot to eat.

Sisko understood. He let me go have breakfast.

I ate breakfast with Da-- with *Ezri*.

Damn! I have to keep reminding myself, _she's *not* Dax, Nerys_. Yet somehow she *is* Dax. Not the symbiont, but the essence of my friend. Those eyes remind me *so* much of Jadzia at times, though. Why do I feel as if I shouldn't forget her anyway? Why do I feel I can't, I *shouldn't* call this new host "Dax"?

That's always when I realize that she is looking at me with those blue eyes and the corner of her mouth has quirked up, and that incongruous little wrinkle is in between her eyes, because I've been caught staring -- staring and remembering. That look in her eyes is both pained and understanding. She knew me *so* well.

A part of me is glad, Jadzia is still here. Still sitting in front of me, inside this... tiny person. The humans have this phrase about having big shoes to fill. Ezri, you surely understand that more than any human.

I welcomed her company. In some ways, I feel she does understand me *still*, better than anyone. I know she understands about my feelings toward Odo. What's funny is that she makes me see him in a different light sometimes. It's not Jadzia, but Ezri, the counselour, I think. At least, I hope it is. I'd hate to think Jadzia noticed all these things but never told me.

I hate to think of how long Odo felt that way about me. I hate to think of the way I must have made him feel sometimes. His patience with me *still*... amazes me. He is the most patient, the most gentle person I know.

Where he learned it, I have no idea. That's one thing I do need to learn. His future self was right. I need to be patient. I do *try* to be gentle.

I still hadn't learned patience, though, when I saw him climb out of that damaged shuttle that afternoon.

His eyes looked haunted, and he'd tried to say something but all I wanted to do was hold him. The condition of the shuttle told me more than he ever could; he'd been in danger. I could have lost him.

I held him harder.

Eventually he pulled back, looked at me, cupped my face. He didn't kiss me, though, even though I expected him to. His words were tight, almost strangled, as if he needed to swallow, but that was an impossibility.

"We need to talk."

Four simple words. I swallowed for him and nodded. I wanted to hear whatever he had to say. I *needed* to.

(-|-) * * * * * (-|-) * * * * * (-|-)

It was nearing 2100 when he finished talking. He'd sent his report to the Captain on arrival, but he didn't want me to read it. He wanted to *tell* me, so he told me.

I found it hard to believe that Odo would place any trust in Weyoun, no matter which incarnation of him it was. He did, though, and I trusted him. So ... the Dominion was crumbling.

I felt no joy in this. Part of me was glad the war might soon be over, but I felt no joy. I couldn't.

Those beautiful eyes were so ... lost. He was afraid, I could see this. There was something else I couldn't see, though, and he didn't let me analyze it. He finally got up and left me on the couch. He went to my viewport and I could hear him sigh.

Weyoun's death? The Founders? His part in all of this?

He hadn't, I noticed, mentioned *us* at all. My stomach clenched tightly and I realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast with Da-- *Ezri*.

I sighed a little myself and got up to stand closer to him.

His words were so quiet.

"I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when he died. He seemed so... content." So, it was Weyoun's death that bothered him.

I tried to be gentle.

"The last thing he saw was one of his gods, smiling at him. If you ask me, he was a lucky man."

It hadn't worked, I could see that. He turned his head a little toward me, but didn't turn around. His voice was filled with pain... and bitterness.

"Nerys, please!"

Okay, if gentleness doesn't work, I can be stubborn, too.

"No, listen to me. I know, to Starfleet, the Prophets are nothing more than Wormhole Aliens, but to *me*, they're gods. I…can't prove it, but then again, I don't *have* to, because my faith in them is enough. Just as Weyoun's faith in you was enough for him."

He turned back to the stars again, nodded. I heard him sigh and my stomach clenched again. I ached for him, but there was nothing I could do. He seemed... untouchable.

"Well, now it appears that the Vorta may have to get along without their *gods*."

I found myself moving closer, despite his posture that said, "don't approach." I could see more of what bothered him now.

"I'm sorry. You're worried about your people."

It was right for him to. Could he see that I won't begrudge him? We *all* worry about our people. I do, Sisko does, Ezri, even Garak. It doesn't make any difference if they're on the same side or not.

"The Changelings are dying - and I can't help them; they're the enemy."

Then again sometimes it *does* make a difference. My voice was urgent, I knew. I also knew what I was going to say was going to hurt him.

"A very dangerous enemy - now, more than ever, because they're also desperate. I know this isn't easy for you, but you have to remember -- *they* started this war, you didn't."

I waited and he nodded. Then he made me ache for him all over again.

"That's true... but I know, now, whichever side wins, one thing is certain -- I'm going to lose."

The silence that followed was hard and raw. It lasted too long and it hurt us both. I wasn't sure what to say, but I knew I had to say, to *do* something besides staring at the lean silhouette my lover made against the viewport. I looked at him, *really* looked at him there... and swallowed.

He was lovely in the dark of this room -- all lines and shadows. Clean and symmetrical. Cold.

I stepped up, right against him.

"You haven't lost me, Odo."

I slipped my arms around him and held him tight. He felt like an obelisk, cold and unyielding. I couldn't help it; it made me start to cry.

"You haven't lost *this*," I whispered against his cold, hard back.

He could sense my tears somehow. "Nerys..."

So gentle. His voice was a whisper and he turned in my embrace. His eyes were so liquid, so blue.

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head. I didn't want him to be sorry. I didn't need his apology. I just wanted to hold onto him. I just wanted to acknowledge *us*.

I held him.

After a long time, I could feel his hard edges softening. I could feel his trembling start. I could feel his arms slipping around me and warming us both.

I held him closer.

(-|-) * * * * * (-|-) * * * * * (-|-)

"I should go."

"You've been gone long enough. Stay. I need you tonight."

"It's already past 0200, Nerys."

"I know." I lifted my head from his smooth, warm shoulder and looked into those beautiful eyes of his. "I need you tonight. Tomorrow. As long as you're around and I'm around, I - need - you."

He stared at me for a long time, as if he was studying me. As if he couldn't believe I was there.

I put my hand on his chest, caressed the silk-smooth surface.

"I love you, Odo."

This time he swallowed. I could see the movement of his throat, and I wondered how he did that. It didn't really matter. What mattered is I could tell I had touched him somewhere deeper than my hand on his chest.

What do changelings use for hearts? Did it matter?

"I need you, too." His voice was a whisper of sound and he lifted my hand to his lips.

Then he turned and gathered me up, took me with him, took us both far away from the confines of the room... of the station.

Somewhere nothing mattered but *us*.

~ finis ~

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December 1998. The characters belong to Paramount. The situations they're in within this story belong to Judith Macquinn. This non-profit material is not meant to infringe on Viacom, Paramount or any other legal holders of Star Trek copyright. Please do not reproduce for anything other than personal reading use (including fanzines) without written consent of the author.

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